musings: friendship

I've had my fair share of friendship issues, but none of them scarred me for life because we all moved on and forgiveness wiped the bad memories clean. But obviously it takes a little more effort to prevent problems like these from happening again, and here are some things I keep in mind when I feel a friendship is about to fall apart. 

1. It's not all about me.

Humans tend to be self-centered, no matter how humble we try to be. We have beasts in us named Pride, Ego and Selfishness. They make us think the world revolves around us when we're just  a small portion of another person's life. 

That's why it's so easy to feel as if a friend didn't like us anymore. We feel rejected when our WhatsApp message wasn't replied to for a day. We feel unwanted when people forget to invite you somewhere. We think we're outcasts when someone who mattered forgot to wish you happy birthday. 

But if we reevaluate ourselves, how many things have we actually forgotten about our friends? Do you keep track of every single person you meet? Do you remember every friend's birthday? Heck, half the wishes you receive are probably because of a Facebook reminder anyway. Don't think friends revolve around you because friends have lives too. 

2. Don't depend too much on friends. 

Friends can forget. Friends can disappoint. Friends can leave. Friends can upset. Friends are human. If you expect friends to be there for you 24/7, forget it. I'm not saying it's not necessary for you to have friends. Of course it is! Humans are relational beings, and no socializing, no matter how much of a sociopath you think you are, will kill us. 

But there is a boundary between friend and Siri. You can't expect someone as human as you to be in a good mood all the time, to laugh with you all the time and to reply you nicely all the time. Maybe it's time you be the friend people look for and be the person you want to be friends with. If you want to find friends who will perfectly understand you, forget it. If anything, friends should show you the vast differences in humankind. 

3. Don't be too emotionally attached. 

I'm pretty sure by now you will realise how many of your 'friends' have left, whether it's caused by an argument or it was just because you guys aren't in the same school anymore. But whatever it is, don't be emotionally attached. Don't put all your troubles on that poor friend and expect him/her to stay forever, just because you're BFFs now. Yes, you confide, you tell secrets, you solve problems, you do it all together, but always have this in mind: they could leave anytime, and they chose to be with you. So just appreciate, cherish, but don't take for granted, and don't expect too much. 

* * * * *

Now suddenly friends don't seem so desirable anymore, huh? No! Friends are amazing. They cheer you up, they make you laugh, they share your sorrows and BUY YOU FOOD (woohoo!). But as I mentioned earlier, friends are just as human as you are. They can make mistakes too. Forgiveness goes a long way, and remember, if they do leave, it's okay. You probably might have even bigger troubles if they stayed anyway. Better now than delayed. ;)

musings: internet addiction

Internet addiction is real, and I can feel it happening right here, in my hands, in a sleek white device in a bright yellow case. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to put the phone down, to pick up a novel in hard copy, to work on assignments, to study for an upcoming test. It makes me feel extremely guilty, but, as all addictions do, I can't stop.

It wouldn't matter how many times I have swiped the timeline on Twitter to refresh for new tweets, refreshed YouTube for new videos from subscribed channels, refreshed Facebook for latest news, refreshed Instagram for more photos. Sometimes I get so bored of the social networks that I move on to Thought Catalog, Buzzfeed, 9gag, for some quick entertainment. It's as if my life depended on the events in other people's lives. It's as if I couldn't survive without a few comments and likes on updates from friends.

It's as if I can't live without the internet.

Sometimes I get mad at myself. I get mad that I'm so weak, for letting the internet ru(i)n my life. Sometimes I throw my phone onto my bed when I'm studying, to intentionally keep my phone out of sight. But half an hour later, I'm on my bed, opening the Twitter app. It's crazy. Crazy serious, that is. And I'm desperate to get out of it.

Then here comes my fake escape. I make myself feel better by watching educational videos on YouTube, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm learning something. I make myself feel better by writing on my blog, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm  honing my writing skills. I try hard, but I fail.

I feel like I've written the exact post before, and I'm not sure if it's a deja vu, or if I've been facing this problem for way too long. Technology advancement is great; the internet is the discovery that the world is certainly proud of, but it destroys me. It destroys my mind, destroys my faith, destroys my diligence. It destroys all intention of working toward excellence, but instead, I carelessly go through work so that I could get some relief from the vast cyberspace.

It's bad.

I've been on internet fasts before. The hand-tingling, self-controlling moments in which I struggle to not touch the Enable Wi-Fi button in iPhone settings. The mask I put on to show the world that I'm doing fine without the internet, but inside I'm thinking over and over again about what I could've watched on YouTube. It's indeed scary, once I write my experiences in black and white, but it's true.

It's true.

Of course, it may seem a little dramatic to you when you read the above words. And yes, I do not spazz or freak out when there isn't any internet access. Also, it wouldn't be fair for me to diagnose myself with actual internet addiction. But the problem is, once I start, it's not easy to stop. After a long, busy day out, I reach home, plop on the couch, connect to the internet, notifications start coming in, all else is forgotten. I can't believe I'm admitting all this, but as everyone seems to claim, admitting a problem is the first step to fixing it.

Sometimes when I catch myself staring at a screen for over two hours, the rational side of my brain tells me to stop. To stop completely, to get my eyes some rest, at least. But the part of my being that's being pulled by the gravity of cyberspace refuses to leave the amazing world of the internet. It is then I realize something is terribly wrong with myself, my eyes start to hurt, the words on the screen start to blur, and my head throbs.

It's scary.

But what calms me is the fact that it is fixable. I just need to seek help. Not professional help, necessarily; that would be a step too far. I just need to ask parents, friends, whoever reliable, to be right next to me, distracting me from my distraction. With good, wholesome conversations and healthy activities with loved ones, it is where I find myself completely rid of this sick attachment to the internet. And I hope I do eventually escape this cyber reality.

For good.

The Josephine Poem

J is for the joy and laughter she has brought

For all the funny mannerisms and interesting thoughts

O is for the omnipresence she seems to possess

She'd know my mistakes instantly, no need to confess

S is for the strictness and the rules she's taught me

For bringing me up with guidance and love, most importantly

E is for the excellent food she makes

For all the times she fills my belly with nutritious food intake

P is for the pretty face with that contagious smile

But when those dagger eyes look your way, prepare to run a mile

H is for the hard work she has done in her life

Through all the tough times, she managed to survive

I is for the intelligence she has in her brain

For handling problems rationally and enduring the pain

N is for the natural, no make-up face 

That never seems to look like her age

E is for the effervescent aura she owns

For the light, bubbly voice with the cheerful tone

So, mummy dearest:

Here is the poem from me to you

I enjoyed writing it; hope you enjoy it too

And as usual, mummy dearest, I have to say

Wishing you a most wonderful birthday

I love you! 

- Mei mei. 

The Gap Between Her Thighs

She looked into the mirror to stare at herself

"I'm fat like a pig, short like an elf,"

She said with dismay and stared some more

"I need a facial to close those pores"

She glared at her nose, upturned and round 

She glared at her tummy: "I gained a few pounds" 

She didn't like talking, she hated her voice

To her, it was just unbearable noise

Her thighs mocked her; between them was no space

She hated her hair, she hated her face

Her body was damaging her self-esteem

She really wasn't confident as she might seem

But what she doesn't know is that it doesn't matter

If your waist and your thighs are "so much fatter" 

Because there are things deep within

Under all those flaws and all that sin

A character that can flourish and grow

A personality that makes her eyes glow

"I love your laugh," her best friend says

Her daddy tells her she has a sweet face

Her doctor says that her legs are strong

"As for your health, there's nothing wrong."

Her mother says that she has healthy hair

And as for her eyes: they were an expressive pair

Her teacher praised her for her intelligent brain

"She works hard in school and behaves like a saint

She has a kind heart and smiles all day

She knows where she stands and doesn't easily sway"

If only she knew how much she mattered

Then she wouldn't feel as bruised and battered

If only she could understand that beauty inside

Is worth much more than the gap between her thighs

College Life Thus Far.

Guess it's about time to give my blog a little resuscitation, or at least put it on life support. Seriously though; I've just realised how much I miss writing and blogging. It's been quite a while since any personal posts on updates and feels, and I thought it would be a good way to bring my blog back to life once again. (I mean, after all, somebody paid for my "cachenny.com"; might as well use it, right?)

College life has had its ups and downs, but mostly ups. No regrets enrolling here, that's for sure. The days in college usually go by real quick, and when I happen to miss a day of college, it feels a little wrong. What with regular birthday celebrations for friends, camps, spontaneous hangouts, strange little dress-up days, and even an all-around-KL treasure hunt, I can safely say my time in MCKL has so far been wonderful.

MCKL dress-up week: Dress like a sir

MCKL dress-up week: Inside Out & Mismatched

MCKL 11th Annual Treasure Hunt - with Natsumi
1. Stick to your partner.
2. Stay alert and look out for your partner!
3. Call me maybe ;)

But the greatest highlight, really, was being elected into the Student Council. It was a dream of mine ever since I found out councils that represent the student body existed, and it was surely a dream come true. The transition between the previous Council and the one now was smooth, aided by the preparation period for Midsummerfest 2014, a college-wide event to serve as a welcome party for the July intake students as well as a general fun time for everyone. The first thing we were told to do after being elected was this: "Guys, we're going to dance."

With that being said, we got to work practising the moves for our supposed flashmob, which was a joint performance between the old and the new Council. At the same time, we were invited to stay back with the old Council to help out with MSF decorations. It was the perfect way to get to know one another without any awkwardness, because we were actually given things to do.

Just one part of the decorations that we did :)

Here's us: MCKL SC, Aug 2014 - Mar 2015.

We also had our cohort photoshoot! It was pretty nice seeing everyone come together, 'cause our cohort is actually the biggest in our intake. (Still not as large as other intakes though.)

few of us here being blocked by the paper cranes,
but I hope their faces can be seen in the official photo :P

AS-Level exams are in October, and my last trial paper is tomorrow (Friday, 12 Sept '14). I guess there have been times where I've felt a little overwhelmed, stressed, even, but I would call it a good kind of stress. I've grown, mentally, emotionally, even physically (?) over the past few months that I've been so unforgivably MIA from blogging.

It was crazy surprising when I got chosen as the secretary of the council, after I ran for president and probably failed miserably (LOL). Secreterial and administrative tasks are definitely not my thing, and organising and keeping things nicely arranged are even worse, but I'm willing to take on the challenge, and the past month has been pretty smooth (I think). 

All thanks to the assistant secretary, Sara, for helping me tons and not judging my irresponsible-ness (is there such a word?), and also Marcus and Jinghann, the President & Vice President, for constructive criticism and really supporting all of us. Can foresee an amazing friendship among the twenty-four of us and I hope we all bloom to be even stronger, greater, smarter and more caring people than we were before.

And as for my current girlfriends, a big shoutout to you guys for knowing the crazy Council duties and not isolating me, but for being concerned and understanding when I have to suddenly ditch you guys. It's really been comforting to know I have such caring friends who never leave even when I did. I once raised this issue generally to another friend by saying, "Sometimes I feel bad for ditching them all the time for Council duties." She replied, "If they were your true friends, they would understand."

Guess they are ;) 

LOVE YOU FABULOUS PEOPLE.