noun
a firmly held opinion or belief
*
Conviction is a scary thing. It is also beautiful. I am, of course, speaking of it in the context of my faith.
I just came home from our church's teens camp, in which I was a facilitator (called 'Handler', in our lingo). Handlers were there to facilitate group discussions, to follow up on the teens' lives and to be an all-round lookout for the physical/emotional/spiritual safety & well-being of our campers.
I went to camp with the expectation to serve. My mindset was pretty firm on getting to know the teens a little better, guiding them closer to Christ through my words and actions, and to contribute to the camp the best that I could. Boy, was I in for a surprise.
It was the third day, and we had an hour of silence. We had this hour to meditate on Psalm 139, a passage in which King David speaks about God being all-knowing, all-present and all-powerful. These verses hit me like a ton of bricks:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
[Psalm 139:23-24]
Without going too much into private detail, let's just say I broke down. Privately, and in front of the group of teens I led as I shared what I experienced. I was vulnerable and totally pierced by the force of God's whispers. He spoke to me in ways I never imagined; so much so that I lost track of time and returned to the hall half an hour later than the others.
I didn't know how a conviction felt till that hour. I never felt so strongly about something; something that I couldn't structure into a tangible, audible sentence. My perspective has never been this new, this fresh, that everything I see now is tinted with something indescribable, something of Christ. I was securely held by the still voice of God, and I had my guard down for the rest of the camp. I was open and I was strong, and yet I felt weak, too. It's complex, but I now understand.
Revelation after revelation followed, and it left me in awe. It felt like I got to know an old friend much better than I've ever had; but yet, I was in complete reverence of this King who came down to embrace me. I felt safe in His arms, and yet I trembled with respect for the God who created me. It was a completely new feeling, and yet it's like I came home to the place I grew up in.
Thank You, Father. Thank You for Your love, Your mercies and Your grace so undeserving.