Shy Extroversion

Is there such a thing? Shy extroversion, I mean? The shy ones are usually the introverts. They don't initiate conversations, and don't speak unless spoken to. They gain energy by being alone. Their energy is drained around large groups of people. Extroverts, on the other hand, love being around people. They're the first ones to say hi, to give a firm handshake, a warm hug. They are energised around people.

But is there such thing as being both?

Because I think I am a shy extrovert.

To be honest, I love being around people. I like meeting friends and strangers alike. I like being in the center of attention. I have the warm feels around people. And I grow demotivated and bored alone.

But after that first loud 'hi' and extra-large smile, I get into awkward mode. All questions casually take a stroll out of my brain, and I say something goofy like, "Nice shoes." Cue silence. This is the usual scenario between me and a person I've never met. I go "Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm Jessica. What's your name?"

After that introduction... *birds cawing*

Shy extrovert, see?

Once in a while, I stay back while seeing other people talk. Watching people is fun too, and I love observing crowds. But I love it even more when someone notices me and comes over to talk. Then I proceed to be the most talkative person ever, feeling more and more pumped. And I would never want this conversation to end. Really, there is no other way to describe this.

Shy extroversion.

Dissatisfied

All my life I was insecure. I'm probably speaking on behalf of most of the people I know. I wasn't pretty enough, my friends weren't cool enough, my life wasn't interesting enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't talented enough. I express my concerns verbally to the people around me and most of the time they say, "Jess, you're too smart for your own good."

I never believed them.

Friendship was a big thing while growing up. I was always craving the attention of certain people, the 'cool' ones. A massive punch of rejection hits me every time I try out a joke and the said 'cool' people do not laugh. I feel unwanted when said people do not say hi as they walk by. Insecurities creep in when I'm not invited to a certain birthday party. I was jealous.

Academically, I had a less than difficult time achieving good results. I wasn't satisfied with those things. People I knew could do so much more. Public speaking, business enterprise, social activism, music and writing were all interesting passions of others, but all I could do was get a good looking report card. That's how I felt throughout my primary and secondary school years. 

Unlike every other prepubescent girl, I took a little while to start being concerned about how I looked. Friends who grew up with me would know I couldn't care less about makeup, nail polish, accessories and clothes. It was only a year or two ago when I started being conscious about my clothing choices and everything else appearance-related. I would compare to the friends who have already started lining their eyes and trimming their brows, picking out dresses and dressing like Tumblr girls. I would watch and wait cluelessly while they shopped, staying in fitting rooms for what seemed like hours and exclaiming over tubes of mascara. I didn't get it, and I felt incredibly lame because it was like I lacked some hormone that gave girls the urge to look good. 

Around the same time, I started taking my music a little more seriously than just attending weekly classes and getting daily prods from my mom to practice. I started serving as a musician in the worship band at church. I took an interest in YouTube cover artists and watched gig performers with much fascination, and feeling inadequate at the same time. Every time I stood behind the keyboard, an odd sense of 'I'm gonna screw up' will fight the little self-confidence I had and actually cause me to mess up. I gave a half-hearted attempt at making covers, and didn't stick to it. Again, I was 'not good enough'.

But you know what? I have come to terms with my 'not good enough'-ness. I have come to realise that in life there is always going to be someone better, someone more qualified, someone more talented. It's how you respond to it that makes your character unique. I've learnt to stop all that envy and insecurity by changing my attitude and having an open mind about things. I learn to learn.

As I grew up, I learnt that friends who actually take the effort to make you feel loved are those who are important, not the ones who make you love them. Appreciate and cherish those who love you, and surround yourself with positivity. Popular people don't need your love. Spend your love on people who are worth it instead. 

Obviously I was foolish enough to be ungrateful for my pretty good grades. But what's more important was that I didn't need to feel lame next to people with fascinating interests. All I needed to do was talk to these people more often, learn from them, expand horizons, and never forget to cultivate your own interests too, which, in my case, was music and writing.

Nice clothes, makeup, accessories are all optional. If you like it, wear it. If you don't, don't wear it. No one's going to hate on you just because you refuse to wear a dress. Trust me, I know. (winks) Use those shopping trips to get to know your girlfriends! Nobody says you actually have to try on clothes when you go shopping... but I do know for sure that it's a good time to have a few laughs with your closest buddies.

Last but not least, I can say that I've been greatly blessed with a family who loves music, talented musician friends, and the opportunities that I got to experience that allowed me to meet other musicians. My musical talent has been given graciously to me by God, and I shouldn't taint that with envy of greater talent. In fact, jealousy is completely gone once I start to be inspired by those who are much more talented than I am, and they have spurred me on to work harder, practice more and enjoy the whole process. Music isn't something you force, and I've learnt that the hard way. 

The lesson to conclude this is this. Don't be jealous. Learn and be inspired.

4 Reasons You Shouldn't Sub-tweet Your Parents

I have been trying hard to avoid sub-tweeting, and it clearly takes some effort. The science behind sub-tweeting isn't complicated. It's speaking negatively in an indirect manner about someone who happened to offend you in the utmost terrible manner, and you couldn't take it so you decided to do it on social media for the whole world to see. Suddenly the Twitter timeline becomes the personal diaries of twelve-year-old girls complaining about their worst enemies. Sub-tweeting is bad, but it's worse if you're doing it to the people who birthed you. (Is 'birthed' the correct term here?)

1. It's rude.
They're your parents, for goodness' sake. Sub-tweeting about the way your mom lectured you isn't the best way to approach the problem. That's like telling the whole world your mom is annoying and doesn't deserve a child like you... Oh, wait. You already did that on Twitter. You wouldn't go up to them to privately say it, so maybe you should think twice about telling everyone BUT your mom.

2. It's unnecessary.
So you've told the world that your dad is the meanest person alive for not being too busy to chauffeur you somewhere. Now what? Is he going to read your tweet and suddenly feel like driving you places? Is he going to read your tweet and apologise? No, because if he read your tweet, he'd go ballistic. He'd be upset when he reads how his child responds to his busy schedule, and he'd be angry with himself for raising such a self-centred child. Besides, it's highly doubtful that your dad owns a Twitter account anyway.

3. It's negative.
Sub-tweeting makes people feel uncomfortable. People take a casual scroll down their timeline and they see hate, anger, frustration. They see mean things being said about your old folks; they see your unappreciative spirit. (Spread the love, people say. Yeah, right.) You say you love your parents. I'm sure loving parents also means honouring them and upholding them in the image in which they want to be seen.

4. It's hurtful.
Let's say your parents did have Twitter accounts and they saw your tweets. Or worse, someone showed them your hateful tweets. What are your parents going to feel? What are your parents going to say? Will they hide it all under a hard mask of invincibility as parents? Will they ask themselves where they went wrong? Worse still, they will hunt you down and give you the lecture of your lifetime. There has been one too many cases of this. If lectures from parents are the last thing you want to hear, avoid getting into trouble at all costs. It seems obvious enough, but ten times harder to put into practice. And I'm pretty sure that resisting the urge to sub-tweet is one of the easiest ways to avoid getting into trouble.

Show some respect; stop sub-tweeting your parents (or anyone, for that matter).