i am tired.
tired of feeling tired, tired of being demotivated, tired of always wanting to be on top of my game; and yet, falling short. badly.
i’m not sad, though. i’m still able to count my blessings and practice gratitude. i still have a deep understanding of my faith in God. i know that i am loved by family and friends. i am thankful for all the opportunities i’ve had growing up in a rather privileged life.
and yet, here i am. a dry spell that feels like a limbo between excitement and fear of what is to come. i am not ready to embrace adulthood fully; as if my soul somehow feels the shortened years of my teenage-hood.
why, though? i miss the me that scrambled to do everything she can with every last scrap of energy left in her spirit. i miss the moments of breaking down every so often because i feel overwhelmed; and then picking myself right back up five seconds after the last teardrop had fallen. i miss agreeing to everything and still being able to deliver it all with excellence.
and here i am, with new commitments that are fewer in number than before, and yet with bigger responsibilities that threaten to crush my lifelong-built confidence in one small erroneous step. here i am, with things to do that make me question my abilities. here i am, with positions to hold that force me out of childlike naivety and into the realities of life. and here i am, lying in bed, wondering when in the world i am able to face them head on once again.
i do not want to be dramatic. but hey -- if we do not view life as the audience of a theatrical scene every so often, will we ever be able to grow?