musings: friendship

I've had my fair share of friendship issues, but none of them scarred me for life because we all moved on and forgiveness wiped the bad memories clean. But obviously it takes a little more effort to prevent problems like these from happening again, and here are some things I keep in mind when I feel a friendship is about to fall apart. 

1. It's not all about me.

Humans tend to be self-centered, no matter how humble we try to be. We have beasts in us named Pride, Ego and Selfishness. They make us think the world revolves around us when we're just  a small portion of another person's life. 

That's why it's so easy to feel as if a friend didn't like us anymore. We feel rejected when our WhatsApp message wasn't replied to for a day. We feel unwanted when people forget to invite you somewhere. We think we're outcasts when someone who mattered forgot to wish you happy birthday. 

But if we reevaluate ourselves, how many things have we actually forgotten about our friends? Do you keep track of every single person you meet? Do you remember every friend's birthday? Heck, half the wishes you receive are probably because of a Facebook reminder anyway. Don't think friends revolve around you because friends have lives too. 

2. Don't depend too much on friends. 

Friends can forget. Friends can disappoint. Friends can leave. Friends can upset. Friends are human. If you expect friends to be there for you 24/7, forget it. I'm not saying it's not necessary for you to have friends. Of course it is! Humans are relational beings, and no socializing, no matter how much of a sociopath you think you are, will kill us. 

But there is a boundary between friend and Siri. You can't expect someone as human as you to be in a good mood all the time, to laugh with you all the time and to reply you nicely all the time. Maybe it's time you be the friend people look for and be the person you want to be friends with. If you want to find friends who will perfectly understand you, forget it. If anything, friends should show you the vast differences in humankind. 

3. Don't be too emotionally attached. 

I'm pretty sure by now you will realise how many of your 'friends' have left, whether it's caused by an argument or it was just because you guys aren't in the same school anymore. But whatever it is, don't be emotionally attached. Don't put all your troubles on that poor friend and expect him/her to stay forever, just because you're BFFs now. Yes, you confide, you tell secrets, you solve problems, you do it all together, but always have this in mind: they could leave anytime, and they chose to be with you. So just appreciate, cherish, but don't take for granted, and don't expect too much. 

* * * * *

Now suddenly friends don't seem so desirable anymore, huh? No! Friends are amazing. They cheer you up, they make you laugh, they share your sorrows and BUY YOU FOOD (woohoo!). But as I mentioned earlier, friends are just as human as you are. They can make mistakes too. Forgiveness goes a long way, and remember, if they do leave, it's okay. You probably might have even bigger troubles if they stayed anyway. Better now than delayed. ;)

musings: internet addiction

Internet addiction is real, and I can feel it happening right here, in my hands, in a sleek white device in a bright yellow case. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to put the phone down, to pick up a novel in hard copy, to work on assignments, to study for an upcoming test. It makes me feel extremely guilty, but, as all addictions do, I can't stop.

It wouldn't matter how many times I have swiped the timeline on Twitter to refresh for new tweets, refreshed YouTube for new videos from subscribed channels, refreshed Facebook for latest news, refreshed Instagram for more photos. Sometimes I get so bored of the social networks that I move on to Thought Catalog, Buzzfeed, 9gag, for some quick entertainment. It's as if my life depended on the events in other people's lives. It's as if I couldn't survive without a few comments and likes on updates from friends.

It's as if I can't live without the internet.

Sometimes I get mad at myself. I get mad that I'm so weak, for letting the internet ru(i)n my life. Sometimes I throw my phone onto my bed when I'm studying, to intentionally keep my phone out of sight. But half an hour later, I'm on my bed, opening the Twitter app. It's crazy. Crazy serious, that is. And I'm desperate to get out of it.

Then here comes my fake escape. I make myself feel better by watching educational videos on YouTube, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm learning something. I make myself feel better by writing on my blog, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm  honing my writing skills. I try hard, but I fail.

I feel like I've written the exact post before, and I'm not sure if it's a deja vu, or if I've been facing this problem for way too long. Technology advancement is great; the internet is the discovery that the world is certainly proud of, but it destroys me. It destroys my mind, destroys my faith, destroys my diligence. It destroys all intention of working toward excellence, but instead, I carelessly go through work so that I could get some relief from the vast cyberspace.

It's bad.

I've been on internet fasts before. The hand-tingling, self-controlling moments in which I struggle to not touch the Enable Wi-Fi button in iPhone settings. The mask I put on to show the world that I'm doing fine without the internet, but inside I'm thinking over and over again about what I could've watched on YouTube. It's indeed scary, once I write my experiences in black and white, but it's true.

It's true.

Of course, it may seem a little dramatic to you when you read the above words. And yes, I do not spazz or freak out when there isn't any internet access. Also, it wouldn't be fair for me to diagnose myself with actual internet addiction. But the problem is, once I start, it's not easy to stop. After a long, busy day out, I reach home, plop on the couch, connect to the internet, notifications start coming in, all else is forgotten. I can't believe I'm admitting all this, but as everyone seems to claim, admitting a problem is the first step to fixing it.

Sometimes when I catch myself staring at a screen for over two hours, the rational side of my brain tells me to stop. To stop completely, to get my eyes some rest, at least. But the part of my being that's being pulled by the gravity of cyberspace refuses to leave the amazing world of the internet. It is then I realize something is terribly wrong with myself, my eyes start to hurt, the words on the screen start to blur, and my head throbs.

It's scary.

But what calms me is the fact that it is fixable. I just need to seek help. Not professional help, necessarily; that would be a step too far. I just need to ask parents, friends, whoever reliable, to be right next to me, distracting me from my distraction. With good, wholesome conversations and healthy activities with loved ones, it is where I find myself completely rid of this sick attachment to the internet. And I hope I do eventually escape this cyber reality.

For good.

The Josephine Poem

J is for the joy and laughter she has brought

For all the funny mannerisms and interesting thoughts

O is for the omnipresence she seems to possess

She'd know my mistakes instantly, no need to confess

S is for the strictness and the rules she's taught me

For bringing me up with guidance and love, most importantly

E is for the excellent food she makes

For all the times she fills my belly with nutritious food intake

P is for the pretty face with that contagious smile

But when those dagger eyes look your way, prepare to run a mile

H is for the hard work she has done in her life

Through all the tough times, she managed to survive

I is for the intelligence she has in her brain

For handling problems rationally and enduring the pain

N is for the natural, no make-up face 

That never seems to look like her age

E is for the effervescent aura she owns

For the light, bubbly voice with the cheerful tone

So, mummy dearest:

Here is the poem from me to you

I enjoyed writing it; hope you enjoy it too

And as usual, mummy dearest, I have to say

Wishing you a most wonderful birthday

I love you! 

- Mei mei.