arf arf arf.

The CounSeal officially stepped down at approximately 2000 hours, 6 March 2015 at HGH Convention Centre, Sentul, during the Orientation Ball. We're relieved of our duties, and:

I ain't writing minutes no more. (cue chorus of angels)

But that's pretty much where the 'relieved' part ends. We're all already missing how it feels like to be a member of the Student Council, to enjoy the luxuries of the SC Room (a.k.a. the Black Hole. Leave something there? Don't expect to find it ever again), to be given the privilege to plan, organise and host College events and be given the honour to serve the students of MCKL. We're all a little worried about having to sit alone in the canteen after having ditched our friends over the past 7 months. Now there's no SC Room to take refuge in. How now?

CounSeal's sleepover @ The Platform KL

Jokes aside, I want to bring up the blog post where I first mentioned being in the Council. I was excited, I was shocked (when elected secretary. Still am shocked), and I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Being in the Student Council seems glamorous and all, but if you even got a glimpse of what the Council members had to go through, you'd be shocked and probably, hopefully, appreciate them even more. 

Note that I spoke about the Council members as if I weren't a part of them. And this is how I truly feel. On the outside, everyone, including my parents and closest friends, everyone thinks I'm so close to the rest of the Council. Everyone thinks I'm so busy all the time to fulfill my Council duties. Everyone thinks I put in so much effort to serve the College and no one, except probably the Council itself, knows how untrue this is.

Yes, I write minutes. Yes, I make duty rosters. And yes, I was in charge of the whole election process with the Vice Secretary, Sara. But do these things really make my time in the Council worthwhile? I don't think so. These were part of my jobscope. I was supposed to do these things. Besides all this, I felt like I was hogging a space in the Student Council by literally doing almost nothing that required real sacrifice.

Us at the beginning (not full)

From the start, I promised my commitment. I promised to give my best and I assured the people who interviewed me that I would prioritise the Council. I really can't believe I was so blind and so careless. For goodness' sake, I have students to teach. I'm involved in church. There are so many commitments that really require my presence, my effort, my time. I even ran for President, and I'm so thankful that I didn't get it, because what sort of president bails out on every single Council activity? But I was so caught up in the fact that I got past the interviews that I didn't think twice.

I shouldn't have been in the Student Council. 

I should've pulled out before things started rolling.

Our official SC photo, for the last time.
(+ Ms Esther)

To all my CounSeals, I am sorry. I guess it's a little late to say this now, but I am sorry for ditching you guys so many times during preparations. I am sorry for not helping out much before Spectrum Dash and Orientation Ball. I'm sorry I didn't even attend SDash (I was at camp... But that's a story for another day ;D). I've tried to make up for it, but I felt like it wasn't enough. I am also sorry for being irresponsible, for being insensitive, for being inconsiderate. I'm sorry for taking up a commitment that I actually wasn't ready to handle, considering I had other commitments. And most of all, I'm sorry that I didn't give my best. 

Dance practices... without me in them. I'm sorry Abi & Jia Wei T_T

Dance practices were something I hardly attended. I had work. There was no way I could shift my classes around to accommodate after school activities. And that is the reason why I completely blame myself for being so irresponsible. For saying 'yes, I will do it' and completely not do it at all. 

But if there's anything to learn and to be grateful for, it's family. I'm grateful that you guys are so understanding. For saying, "You have work? Sure, we understand." I'm grateful that even though a bond had already formed during all the prep days and overnights, you all still left a little space for me to join you. And I'm grateful that no matter how many times I mess up your shifts and forget things, you all still understand. 

There isn't much to say about how we bonded, because honestly, all that stuff about bonding with me was through work as Council members. I feel like I didn't get to know you guys the way you all know each other during all the times I wasn't there. You're all so close, and sometimes I felt excluded. But that's normal in such a big group, I guess. I know it's not intentional, and it's not really easy to be so close to someone you hardly see. That someone is me.

Before this whole thing becomes a blog post of self pity, I really want to appreciate all those who took the effort to update me on things, who make sure I know what's going on, who ask me if I need help. A special shoutout, for the last time, to Sara for really having my back every time something went wrong, for helping me pull through datelines and basically making my life a little less burdened. I could never have asked for a more efficient, more organised vice secretary. Also, I'm sorry for the time you felt you were doing everything and I was being MIA. Really, really sorry.

One of our first Pre-U meetings, a farewell for 2NT5

Orientation Ball 2015 was the last chance to commit myself completely to the Council. I put in extra effort, and, even though I know my work won't match the amount of effort everyone else has put in, I hope the results were satisfactory. To Mr. Stage Head, Abel, thanks for filling me in on everything I missed out on, and I'm sorry if I disappointed you in anyway before & during the event. I hope my efforts met your expectations. To the entire OB team, you guys are seriously amazing. The event was your brainchild and it grew up to be an impressive event. Kudos to every single one of the SC members, old and new, for making it a success.

Despite all these 'negative' things, I really enjoyed this. Many memories have been made in that tiny little office of ours, what with Family Feud sessions, Thinking Out Loud being played hundreds of times, making too much noise and getting kicked out, witnessing Marcus' terrific dance skills, chilling on the sleeping bag, complaining about the mess, having too many red pens, fighting over what music to play, writing nonsense on the whiteboards... the list goes on, and it will go on forever.

But you know what? I'm glad I stayed through it all. I learnt some pretty invaluable things as a seal. Being in the CounSeal will always be a very important chapter of my life. It will be the greatest highlight of my College life, and it will always be remembered as the time I grew up the most. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to be part of it.

Our last ever general meeting.
Mondays, 5pm

It was a joy dhoom-ing with you all for the past 7 months, and I hope our friendship deepens into something that lasts a lifetime. I hope the existing bond between you all still has a little more space for me.

Our first day of being the Council... and our last.

And as Marcus once said:

  "Arf, arf, arf."

Dear Demotivated Blogger

Hey you. You there who blogs. The one who writes stuff on a certain website and has enough courage to click 'Publish' even if you're not fully satisfied with what you wrote.

The blogger.

I see you putting effort into your blog posts, and that's great. But sometimes you have to let it go (Queen Elsa reference) and write whatever you want. Write what makes you excited, write how you feel, write in a language nobody can understand. You can also sometimes lay off the good grammar and bombastic vocabulary when you write.

Do you know why? Because you have to learn that sometimes, writing isn't about impressing others. It isn't about showing off how well you phrase a string of words, how great your choice of words is, or even how poetic you make yourself sound. Writing is an attempt to solidify floating thoughts in this thing called the brain, and you should never ever complicate it in a forced manner of fancy language if it doesn't come naturally.

You are inspired by the amazing writers on Thought Catalog. You can't believe authors can fill up five whole books to complete a series. You are amazed by literary geniuses such as J. K. Rowling and C. S. Lewis. Your brain can't comprehend complex poems by Shakespeare. You are ultimately fascinated with the way language can pull at one's heartstrings.

But don't force yourself. Don't try to make your blog post fancy-schmancy just so people could compliment your writing capabilities. Have fun with your writing, and don't give two hoots about what people will think. Don't write to impress.

Write to express.

Shy Extroversion

Is there such a thing? Shy extroversion, I mean? The shy ones are usually the introverts. They don't initiate conversations, and don't speak unless spoken to. They gain energy by being alone. Their energy is drained around large groups of people. Extroverts, on the other hand, love being around people. They're the first ones to say hi, to give a firm handshake, a warm hug. They are energised around people.

But is there such thing as being both?

Because I think I am a shy extrovert.

To be honest, I love being around people. I like meeting friends and strangers alike. I like being in the center of attention. I have the warm feels around people. And I grow demotivated and bored alone.

But after that first loud 'hi' and extra-large smile, I get into awkward mode. All questions casually take a stroll out of my brain, and I say something goofy like, "Nice shoes." Cue silence. This is the usual scenario between me and a person I've never met. I go "Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm Jessica. What's your name?"

After that introduction... *birds cawing*

Shy extrovert, see?

Once in a while, I stay back while seeing other people talk. Watching people is fun too, and I love observing crowds. But I love it even more when someone notices me and comes over to talk. Then I proceed to be the most talkative person ever, feeling more and more pumped. And I would never want this conversation to end. Really, there is no other way to describe this.

Shy extroversion.

Dissatisfied

All my life I was insecure. I'm probably speaking on behalf of most of the people I know. I wasn't pretty enough, my friends weren't cool enough, my life wasn't interesting enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't talented enough. I express my concerns verbally to the people around me and most of the time they say, "Jess, you're too smart for your own good."

I never believed them.

Friendship was a big thing while growing up. I was always craving the attention of certain people, the 'cool' ones. A massive punch of rejection hits me every time I try out a joke and the said 'cool' people do not laugh. I feel unwanted when said people do not say hi as they walk by. Insecurities creep in when I'm not invited to a certain birthday party. I was jealous.

Academically, I had a less than difficult time achieving good results. I wasn't satisfied with those things. People I knew could do so much more. Public speaking, business enterprise, social activism, music and writing were all interesting passions of others, but all I could do was get a good looking report card. That's how I felt throughout my primary and secondary school years. 

Unlike every other prepubescent girl, I took a little while to start being concerned about how I looked. Friends who grew up with me would know I couldn't care less about makeup, nail polish, accessories and clothes. It was only a year or two ago when I started being conscious about my clothing choices and everything else appearance-related. I would compare to the friends who have already started lining their eyes and trimming their brows, picking out dresses and dressing like Tumblr girls. I would watch and wait cluelessly while they shopped, staying in fitting rooms for what seemed like hours and exclaiming over tubes of mascara. I didn't get it, and I felt incredibly lame because it was like I lacked some hormone that gave girls the urge to look good. 

Around the same time, I started taking my music a little more seriously than just attending weekly classes and getting daily prods from my mom to practice. I started serving as a musician in the worship band at church. I took an interest in YouTube cover artists and watched gig performers with much fascination, and feeling inadequate at the same time. Every time I stood behind the keyboard, an odd sense of 'I'm gonna screw up' will fight the little self-confidence I had and actually cause me to mess up. I gave a half-hearted attempt at making covers, and didn't stick to it. Again, I was 'not good enough'.

But you know what? I have come to terms with my 'not good enough'-ness. I have come to realise that in life there is always going to be someone better, someone more qualified, someone more talented. It's how you respond to it that makes your character unique. I've learnt to stop all that envy and insecurity by changing my attitude and having an open mind about things. I learn to learn.

As I grew up, I learnt that friends who actually take the effort to make you feel loved are those who are important, not the ones who make you love them. Appreciate and cherish those who love you, and surround yourself with positivity. Popular people don't need your love. Spend your love on people who are worth it instead. 

Obviously I was foolish enough to be ungrateful for my pretty good grades. But what's more important was that I didn't need to feel lame next to people with fascinating interests. All I needed to do was talk to these people more often, learn from them, expand horizons, and never forget to cultivate your own interests too, which, in my case, was music and writing.

Nice clothes, makeup, accessories are all optional. If you like it, wear it. If you don't, don't wear it. No one's going to hate on you just because you refuse to wear a dress. Trust me, I know. (winks) Use those shopping trips to get to know your girlfriends! Nobody says you actually have to try on clothes when you go shopping... but I do know for sure that it's a good time to have a few laughs with your closest buddies.

Last but not least, I can say that I've been greatly blessed with a family who loves music, talented musician friends, and the opportunities that I got to experience that allowed me to meet other musicians. My musical talent has been given graciously to me by God, and I shouldn't taint that with envy of greater talent. In fact, jealousy is completely gone once I start to be inspired by those who are much more talented than I am, and they have spurred me on to work harder, practice more and enjoy the whole process. Music isn't something you force, and I've learnt that the hard way. 

The lesson to conclude this is this. Don't be jealous. Learn and be inspired.

4 Reasons You Shouldn't Sub-tweet Your Parents

I have been trying hard to avoid sub-tweeting, and it clearly takes some effort. The science behind sub-tweeting isn't complicated. It's speaking negatively in an indirect manner about someone who happened to offend you in the utmost terrible manner, and you couldn't take it so you decided to do it on social media for the whole world to see. Suddenly the Twitter timeline becomes the personal diaries of twelve-year-old girls complaining about their worst enemies. Sub-tweeting is bad, but it's worse if you're doing it to the people who birthed you. (Is 'birthed' the correct term here?)

1. It's rude.
They're your parents, for goodness' sake. Sub-tweeting about the way your mom lectured you isn't the best way to approach the problem. That's like telling the whole world your mom is annoying and doesn't deserve a child like you... Oh, wait. You already did that on Twitter. You wouldn't go up to them to privately say it, so maybe you should think twice about telling everyone BUT your mom.

2. It's unnecessary.
So you've told the world that your dad is the meanest person alive for not being too busy to chauffeur you somewhere. Now what? Is he going to read your tweet and suddenly feel like driving you places? Is he going to read your tweet and apologise? No, because if he read your tweet, he'd go ballistic. He'd be upset when he reads how his child responds to his busy schedule, and he'd be angry with himself for raising such a self-centred child. Besides, it's highly doubtful that your dad owns a Twitter account anyway.

3. It's negative.
Sub-tweeting makes people feel uncomfortable. People take a casual scroll down their timeline and they see hate, anger, frustration. They see mean things being said about your old folks; they see your unappreciative spirit. (Spread the love, people say. Yeah, right.) You say you love your parents. I'm sure loving parents also means honouring them and upholding them in the image in which they want to be seen.

4. It's hurtful.
Let's say your parents did have Twitter accounts and they saw your tweets. Or worse, someone showed them your hateful tweets. What are your parents going to feel? What are your parents going to say? Will they hide it all under a hard mask of invincibility as parents? Will they ask themselves where they went wrong? Worse still, they will hunt you down and give you the lecture of your lifetime. There has been one too many cases of this. If lectures from parents are the last thing you want to hear, avoid getting into trouble at all costs. It seems obvious enough, but ten times harder to put into practice. And I'm pretty sure that resisting the urge to sub-tweet is one of the easiest ways to avoid getting into trouble.

Show some respect; stop sub-tweeting your parents (or anyone, for that matter).