Dissatisfied

All my life I was insecure. I'm probably speaking on behalf of most of the people I know. I wasn't pretty enough, my friends weren't cool enough, my life wasn't interesting enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't talented enough. I express my concerns verbally to the people around me and most of the time they say, "Jess, you're too smart for your own good."

I never believed them.

Friendship was a big thing while growing up. I was always craving the attention of certain people, the 'cool' ones. A massive punch of rejection hits me every time I try out a joke and the said 'cool' people do not laugh. I feel unwanted when said people do not say hi as they walk by. Insecurities creep in when I'm not invited to a certain birthday party. I was jealous.

Academically, I had a less than difficult time achieving good results. I wasn't satisfied with those things. People I knew could do so much more. Public speaking, business enterprise, social activism, music and writing were all interesting passions of others, but all I could do was get a good looking report card. That's how I felt throughout my primary and secondary school years. 

Unlike every other prepubescent girl, I took a little while to start being concerned about how I looked. Friends who grew up with me would know I couldn't care less about makeup, nail polish, accessories and clothes. It was only a year or two ago when I started being conscious about my clothing choices and everything else appearance-related. I would compare to the friends who have already started lining their eyes and trimming their brows, picking out dresses and dressing like Tumblr girls. I would watch and wait cluelessly while they shopped, staying in fitting rooms for what seemed like hours and exclaiming over tubes of mascara. I didn't get it, and I felt incredibly lame because it was like I lacked some hormone that gave girls the urge to look good. 

Around the same time, I started taking my music a little more seriously than just attending weekly classes and getting daily prods from my mom to practice. I started serving as a musician in the worship band at church. I took an interest in YouTube cover artists and watched gig performers with much fascination, and feeling inadequate at the same time. Every time I stood behind the keyboard, an odd sense of 'I'm gonna screw up' will fight the little self-confidence I had and actually cause me to mess up. I gave a half-hearted attempt at making covers, and didn't stick to it. Again, I was 'not good enough'.

But you know what? I have come to terms with my 'not good enough'-ness. I have come to realise that in life there is always going to be someone better, someone more qualified, someone more talented. It's how you respond to it that makes your character unique. I've learnt to stop all that envy and insecurity by changing my attitude and having an open mind about things. I learn to learn.

As I grew up, I learnt that friends who actually take the effort to make you feel loved are those who are important, not the ones who make you love them. Appreciate and cherish those who love you, and surround yourself with positivity. Popular people don't need your love. Spend your love on people who are worth it instead. 

Obviously I was foolish enough to be ungrateful for my pretty good grades. But what's more important was that I didn't need to feel lame next to people with fascinating interests. All I needed to do was talk to these people more often, learn from them, expand horizons, and never forget to cultivate your own interests too, which, in my case, was music and writing.

Nice clothes, makeup, accessories are all optional. If you like it, wear it. If you don't, don't wear it. No one's going to hate on you just because you refuse to wear a dress. Trust me, I know. (winks) Use those shopping trips to get to know your girlfriends! Nobody says you actually have to try on clothes when you go shopping... but I do know for sure that it's a good time to have a few laughs with your closest buddies.

Last but not least, I can say that I've been greatly blessed with a family who loves music, talented musician friends, and the opportunities that I got to experience that allowed me to meet other musicians. My musical talent has been given graciously to me by God, and I shouldn't taint that with envy of greater talent. In fact, jealousy is completely gone once I start to be inspired by those who are much more talented than I am, and they have spurred me on to work harder, practice more and enjoy the whole process. Music isn't something you force, and I've learnt that the hard way. 

The lesson to conclude this is this. Don't be jealous. Learn and be inspired.

4 Reasons You Shouldn't Sub-tweet Your Parents

I have been trying hard to avoid sub-tweeting, and it clearly takes some effort. The science behind sub-tweeting isn't complicated. It's speaking negatively in an indirect manner about someone who happened to offend you in the utmost terrible manner, and you couldn't take it so you decided to do it on social media for the whole world to see. Suddenly the Twitter timeline becomes the personal diaries of twelve-year-old girls complaining about their worst enemies. Sub-tweeting is bad, but it's worse if you're doing it to the people who birthed you. (Is 'birthed' the correct term here?)

1. It's rude.
They're your parents, for goodness' sake. Sub-tweeting about the way your mom lectured you isn't the best way to approach the problem. That's like telling the whole world your mom is annoying and doesn't deserve a child like you... Oh, wait. You already did that on Twitter. You wouldn't go up to them to privately say it, so maybe you should think twice about telling everyone BUT your mom.

2. It's unnecessary.
So you've told the world that your dad is the meanest person alive for not being too busy to chauffeur you somewhere. Now what? Is he going to read your tweet and suddenly feel like driving you places? Is he going to read your tweet and apologise? No, because if he read your tweet, he'd go ballistic. He'd be upset when he reads how his child responds to his busy schedule, and he'd be angry with himself for raising such a self-centred child. Besides, it's highly doubtful that your dad owns a Twitter account anyway.

3. It's negative.
Sub-tweeting makes people feel uncomfortable. People take a casual scroll down their timeline and they see hate, anger, frustration. They see mean things being said about your old folks; they see your unappreciative spirit. (Spread the love, people say. Yeah, right.) You say you love your parents. I'm sure loving parents also means honouring them and upholding them in the image in which they want to be seen.

4. It's hurtful.
Let's say your parents did have Twitter accounts and they saw your tweets. Or worse, someone showed them your hateful tweets. What are your parents going to feel? What are your parents going to say? Will they hide it all under a hard mask of invincibility as parents? Will they ask themselves where they went wrong? Worse still, they will hunt you down and give you the lecture of your lifetime. There has been one too many cases of this. If lectures from parents are the last thing you want to hear, avoid getting into trouble at all costs. It seems obvious enough, but ten times harder to put into practice. And I'm pretty sure that resisting the urge to sub-tweet is one of the easiest ways to avoid getting into trouble.

Show some respect; stop sub-tweeting your parents (or anyone, for that matter).

musings: friendship

I've had my fair share of friendship issues, but none of them scarred me for life because we all moved on and forgiveness wiped the bad memories clean. But obviously it takes a little more effort to prevent problems like these from happening again, and here are some things I keep in mind when I feel a friendship is about to fall apart. 

1. It's not all about me.

Humans tend to be self-centered, no matter how humble we try to be. We have beasts in us named Pride, Ego and Selfishness. They make us think the world revolves around us when we're just  a small portion of another person's life. 

That's why it's so easy to feel as if a friend didn't like us anymore. We feel rejected when our WhatsApp message wasn't replied to for a day. We feel unwanted when people forget to invite you somewhere. We think we're outcasts when someone who mattered forgot to wish you happy birthday. 

But if we reevaluate ourselves, how many things have we actually forgotten about our friends? Do you keep track of every single person you meet? Do you remember every friend's birthday? Heck, half the wishes you receive are probably because of a Facebook reminder anyway. Don't think friends revolve around you because friends have lives too. 

2. Don't depend too much on friends. 

Friends can forget. Friends can disappoint. Friends can leave. Friends can upset. Friends are human. If you expect friends to be there for you 24/7, forget it. I'm not saying it's not necessary for you to have friends. Of course it is! Humans are relational beings, and no socializing, no matter how much of a sociopath you think you are, will kill us. 

But there is a boundary between friend and Siri. You can't expect someone as human as you to be in a good mood all the time, to laugh with you all the time and to reply you nicely all the time. Maybe it's time you be the friend people look for and be the person you want to be friends with. If you want to find friends who will perfectly understand you, forget it. If anything, friends should show you the vast differences in humankind. 

3. Don't be too emotionally attached. 

I'm pretty sure by now you will realise how many of your 'friends' have left, whether it's caused by an argument or it was just because you guys aren't in the same school anymore. But whatever it is, don't be emotionally attached. Don't put all your troubles on that poor friend and expect him/her to stay forever, just because you're BFFs now. Yes, you confide, you tell secrets, you solve problems, you do it all together, but always have this in mind: they could leave anytime, and they chose to be with you. So just appreciate, cherish, but don't take for granted, and don't expect too much. 

* * * * *

Now suddenly friends don't seem so desirable anymore, huh? No! Friends are amazing. They cheer you up, they make you laugh, they share your sorrows and BUY YOU FOOD (woohoo!). But as I mentioned earlier, friends are just as human as you are. They can make mistakes too. Forgiveness goes a long way, and remember, if they do leave, it's okay. You probably might have even bigger troubles if they stayed anyway. Better now than delayed. ;)

musings: internet addiction

Internet addiction is real, and I can feel it happening right here, in my hands, in a sleek white device in a bright yellow case. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to put the phone down, to pick up a novel in hard copy, to work on assignments, to study for an upcoming test. It makes me feel extremely guilty, but, as all addictions do, I can't stop.

It wouldn't matter how many times I have swiped the timeline on Twitter to refresh for new tweets, refreshed YouTube for new videos from subscribed channels, refreshed Facebook for latest news, refreshed Instagram for more photos. Sometimes I get so bored of the social networks that I move on to Thought Catalog, Buzzfeed, 9gag, for some quick entertainment. It's as if my life depended on the events in other people's lives. It's as if I couldn't survive without a few comments and likes on updates from friends.

It's as if I can't live without the internet.

Sometimes I get mad at myself. I get mad that I'm so weak, for letting the internet ru(i)n my life. Sometimes I throw my phone onto my bed when I'm studying, to intentionally keep my phone out of sight. But half an hour later, I'm on my bed, opening the Twitter app. It's crazy. Crazy serious, that is. And I'm desperate to get out of it.

Then here comes my fake escape. I make myself feel better by watching educational videos on YouTube, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm learning something. I make myself feel better by writing on my blog, reminding myself with the fact that I'm technically not wasting any time if I'm  honing my writing skills. I try hard, but I fail.

I feel like I've written the exact post before, and I'm not sure if it's a deja vu, or if I've been facing this problem for way too long. Technology advancement is great; the internet is the discovery that the world is certainly proud of, but it destroys me. It destroys my mind, destroys my faith, destroys my diligence. It destroys all intention of working toward excellence, but instead, I carelessly go through work so that I could get some relief from the vast cyberspace.

It's bad.

I've been on internet fasts before. The hand-tingling, self-controlling moments in which I struggle to not touch the Enable Wi-Fi button in iPhone settings. The mask I put on to show the world that I'm doing fine without the internet, but inside I'm thinking over and over again about what I could've watched on YouTube. It's indeed scary, once I write my experiences in black and white, but it's true.

It's true.

Of course, it may seem a little dramatic to you when you read the above words. And yes, I do not spazz or freak out when there isn't any internet access. Also, it wouldn't be fair for me to diagnose myself with actual internet addiction. But the problem is, once I start, it's not easy to stop. After a long, busy day out, I reach home, plop on the couch, connect to the internet, notifications start coming in, all else is forgotten. I can't believe I'm admitting all this, but as everyone seems to claim, admitting a problem is the first step to fixing it.

Sometimes when I catch myself staring at a screen for over two hours, the rational side of my brain tells me to stop. To stop completely, to get my eyes some rest, at least. But the part of my being that's being pulled by the gravity of cyberspace refuses to leave the amazing world of the internet. It is then I realize something is terribly wrong with myself, my eyes start to hurt, the words on the screen start to blur, and my head throbs.

It's scary.

But what calms me is the fact that it is fixable. I just need to seek help. Not professional help, necessarily; that would be a step too far. I just need to ask parents, friends, whoever reliable, to be right next to me, distracting me from my distraction. With good, wholesome conversations and healthy activities with loved ones, it is where I find myself completely rid of this sick attachment to the internet. And I hope I do eventually escape this cyber reality.

For good.

The Josephine Poem

J is for the joy and laughter she has brought

For all the funny mannerisms and interesting thoughts

O is for the omnipresence she seems to possess

She'd know my mistakes instantly, no need to confess

S is for the strictness and the rules she's taught me

For bringing me up with guidance and love, most importantly

E is for the excellent food she makes

For all the times she fills my belly with nutritious food intake

P is for the pretty face with that contagious smile

But when those dagger eyes look your way, prepare to run a mile

H is for the hard work she has done in her life

Through all the tough times, she managed to survive

I is for the intelligence she has in her brain

For handling problems rationally and enduring the pain

N is for the natural, no make-up face 

That never seems to look like her age

E is for the effervescent aura she owns

For the light, bubbly voice with the cheerful tone

So, mummy dearest:

Here is the poem from me to you

I enjoyed writing it; hope you enjoy it too

And as usual, mummy dearest, I have to say

Wishing you a most wonderful birthday

I love you! 

- Mei mei.